Shelf Life

Saber Teeth

Like many RPG-to-anime adaptations, Tales of Phantasia has the one giant downside of being Too Damned Obvious. It's so eager to pay homage to its game roots that it looks and feels like watching somebody playing a video game. Everything from the cheesy summons to the mini-bosses is a few pixels away from having a dialogue box asking you to “[Accomplish this task] in 20 minutes.” Even if someone has never even heard of this game before, I bet you $10 and my new socks that they would be able to tell you that it was adapted from a video game. That's how obvious these OVAs are, and it makes them difficult to watch. They're so concerned with being comparable with the original product that they forget that the story needs to be vaguely interesting.

And, of course, you get the cadre of nerds on the internet crying about how in the game, someone used an axe instead of a sword. So even though those fans are the ones the anime producers were trying the hardest to please, they're not even happy.

So who's happy? Well, probably not the people who have to deal with an entire game being crammed into four episodes. To condense it even further for your reading pleasure, the central villain is the Demon King Dhaos. He's so wily, he can travel through time and space, avoiding death until finally some people seal him away. Like all sealed evils, though, he's eventually unleashed upon the world again, and it's up to our scrappy team of heroes to save the day. Along with their magick and swordsman powers, they can also use technology and mana to navigate the tides of time and chase after our slippery antagonist.

It sounds like a fun story—for a video game. And it was. But for a four episode anime, it's too rushed. The characters hardly get a chance to introduce themselves, and unless you're familiar with the game, you're left wondering why there's some bubbly girl flying around on a broomstick, or why some girl can talk to trees.

So once again, in the end, this kind of thing appeals to no one. It's not complete enough for diehard fans of the game, and it simply isn't good enough for people coming to the name for the first time. Time to toss this one into ever-growing pile of video game adaptation duds.[TOP]

Saber Rider and the Star Sheriffs was made by Studio Pierrot sometime in the mid-80s. It was dubbed shortly afterwards, but mercifully, it disappeared into the dark annexes of time… until now. Released by WEP via VCI Entertainment, it's available in all its original, grainy, ear-splitting glory.

The age of the anime is very obvious within the first few frames, and it's glorious. Then the dub kicks in, and if you're not laughing by now, you have a rancid sense of humor (no offense meant to those who have real taste, and don't find this dreck amusing). The show is like a space Western meets the Power Rangers. Somewhere in the far future, after mankind's already colonized space, there are aliens that are trying to destroy humanity. Luckily, man has a hero called Saber Rider, a man who whizzes around on a mechanical steed. He's aided by the Star Sheriffs, a unit within Earth's Cavalry Command that has command of big robots called Ramrods which, as the dub helpfully points out, “is shaped like a giant cowboy!” There's a variety of good guys, for those who like to pick favorites, and each one comes with his/her own wacky voice and memorable quotes. There's the rugged hero, the cowboy (“Look at all them buffalo! We sure gots lots of them in Odessa!”), the brash one, and a girl. And together, they create magic.

I can't imagine why anyone would pass this in a store and think, “My God, this is what I've been waiting for all these years.” But then again, I also own all of He-Man, so what do I know? All I know is that if you can find this thing for rental, you really ought to watch it. It's really, really terrible, and the dub makes me grin like a jackass. It also has the best script ever written, with great lines like, “How would you like to dance the Winchester Waltz?” and “Will you take me back? In your arms?” Or, "Those aren't horns! They're love nubs!" It also has the most obnoxious theme song of all time, which is basically a minute of a man and woman chanting, “Saaaaaaber Riiiiiider.........and the Staaaaaaar Sheriffs.” And then he asks if you can feel the thunder inside. So great.

If you're like me, and you love irony as much as hipsters love flannel, then you will enjoy the nuts out of this show. They really don't make shows like this anymore, and they ought to. I could easily see this on Cartoon Network, nestled between Scooby Doo and infinite marathons of Land Before Time VII. It's cheesy, but lovable, and if you long for the good old days of your bygone youth, back before they had Bratz dolls, then this is a must-see.[TOP]